MORE NEWS THAT'S NOT

FOOLS' PARADISE

THINGS THAT NEVER HAPPENED. WORDS NOBODY SAID.

EVIDENCE OF RACISM FOUND ON MARS

Mr. DeShawn Jones of Marietta Georgia, recently abducted by aliens from the planet Mars, paints a grim picture of life for black people on the red planet.
"It starts as soon as you arrive. Black people arriving on Mars are routinely deprived of a breathable atmosphere. And if you're an African-American, good luck finding food or water. They say there's ice at the poles - well not for us black folks!"
We tried to reach Mr. Jones yesterday for an in-depth interview but he had left for Jupiter two hours before we called. 

Mars - bleak for blacks on the red planet

CONCERN AS STROM THURMAN IS DISCOVERED CONSCIOUS

Concern was mounting this week for the health of Senator Strom Thurman, after he was discovered in what doctors called a "fully conscious condition." Although the episode was short-lived, it was particularly worrisome as it occurred while the Senator was propped up in front of a television showing the presidential candidate's debate, when almost nobody else was awake. Fortunately, a Senate intern noticed the 173 year-old South Carolina lawmaker's plight and summoned medical help.

Senator Thurman yesterday.

EXPERT WARNS:
"AMERICAN CIVILIZATION MENACED BY SPLIT INFINITIVE"

A dire warning was issued yesterday by Quentin Carr-Mudgeonly, Profesor of Linguistics and Applied Dementia at St. Lunie's College, Cambridge. Just returned from a lecture tour of the USA, Professor Carr-Mudgeonly told of "a sickening culture of split infinitives and other degraded linguistic perversions, which threaten to bring a once-mighty civilization to its knees."
Speaking from inside a giant brown paper bag in his Cambridge study, the Professor (78) claimed to have discovered, on entering a bank in Cincinnati, a sign which read "To Better Serve You, Please Complete Deposit Slips Before Coming to the Counter."
"Not only was the infinitive dangerously split, but there was a reckless confusion of the implied subject of the sentence. Amazingly, customers and staff seemed oblivious to the danger."

According to Carr-Mudgeonly, this was far from an isolated incident. At a conference in Pittsburgh he was invited by the Chairman to "speak to the subject of applied dementia in contemporary English philosophy. I informed him that this was a subject on which I was indeed qualified to speak, but I would prefer to address my remarks to the panel and the audience. This only seemed to confuse him."
Professor Carr-Mudgeonly insists the threat from these and other "linguistic assaults," in particular the near universal misapplication of the adverb "momentarily" is real and immediate and compares the situation to the late Roman Empire, whose end was, in the Professor's view, hastened by "frequent confusion of the gerund and the gerundive and a failure to observe strictly the rules governing the dative and ablative cases." 

At the Movies (1)
The Brigadier General reviews "The Exorcist"

At the Movies (2) Special Report
Inside the Making of "The Patriot.

Click here for Previous Issues

HOME | THE NEWS THAT'S NOT | MORE NEWS THAT'S NOT  | POETS' CORNER | JOKE OF THE MONTH | STORY TIME | CONTACT US
(Please!) | AT THE MOVIES

Links