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THINGS THAT NEVER HAPPENED. WORDS NOBODY SAID.

HILLARY STRANGLED MY DOG

New information released today from the conservative Institute for Family Values reveals some disturbing facts about First Lady Hillary Clinton in her run up to the New York Senate election.
According to the report, 8 year old Betsy Himmler, a neighbor of the Clinton's in Chapaqua saw Hillary strangling her retriever puppy Mopsy. "It was awful," said Betsy through her tears. "There was this terrible glow in her eyes as she choked poor Mopsy. Then she bit her head off."
Spokesman Ron Goebbels revealed that an unusual number of pets have gone missing from the Clintons' neighborhood. "Now, I'm not saying she did it, but I'm not saying she didn't either. After all she

Mopsy - before the incident

is a Communist sicko."
Mr. Goebbels went on to warn of Mrs. Clinton's extremist politics: "We all know she wants to herd poor people into hospitals whether they can afford it or not. Is this really what we want? Stalin was a pussy cat compared to this monster."

GUNMEN IN NORTH CAROLINA HOLD 300 MILLION HOSTAGE

Charlotte, N. Carolina. A group of fanatics armed with handguns, rifles and a fundamentalist approach to the Constitution continue to hold hostage the entire population of the United States.  The terrorists, members of a group known as the National Rifle Association, or Hezbollah, were demanding recognition of their constitutional rights to bring about the deaths of thousands of people each year and to maintain a situation where schoolchildren are forced to pass through metal detectors and submit to psychological profiling to identify junior mass murderers. President Moses Heston spelled out the group's beliefs, which he claimed to have received in a discussion with a burning bush by the name of George W. (Bush later denied this and asked NRA executive Vice President Wayne la Pierre to please move his stuff out of his office.)
"It's not guns that kill people," Heston

Bush: issued denial.

roared to supporters. "I defy anyone to name a single instance in the history of the world when a person was killed with a gun. No, it's Al Gore that kills people. Rips them apart with his bare teeth like a mad dog."
Heston's supporters went wild with delight when he uttered the chilling threat that if Al Gore wanted his gun, he would have to tear it from "my cold dead hands." Watching on television, supporters of gun control took comfort from the fact that, from the appearance of Heston, it seemed unlikely that this would entail a very long wait.
Heston also demanded ten million dollars and a fast chariot.

At the Movies Special Report
Inside the Making of "The Patriot.

Previous Issues
Issue 1 Feb 2000
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