How to Know If You Are Ready to Have Children
I. Mess Test:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
II. Toy Test:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may
substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them
all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or
kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).
III. Grocery Store Test:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
IV. Dressing Test:
Obtain one large, live, extremely pissed-off octopus. Stuff into a very
small oil-covered plastic sandwich bag, making sure that all arms stay
V. Feeding Test:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from
the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert
spoonfuls of soggy cereal ( such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
VI. Night Test:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and filling it with 8 - 12 pounds
of sand. Soak it thoroughly with water. At 8 p.m., begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9 p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10 p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up more and sing these, too, until 4 a.m. Set alarm for 5 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
VII. Physical Test:
A. Women: Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of
your belly. Leave it there for 9 months, then remove 10 of the beans.
B. Men: Go to the nearest drugstore. Set your wallet on the counter.
Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store.
Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly
deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
VIII. Final Assignment:
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.