THE NEWS THAT'S NOT

THINGS THAT NEVER HAPPENED. WORDS NOBODY SAID.

FOOLS' PARADISE

BUSH OUTLINES PLAN FOR CAMPAIGN FINANCE REFORM

Austin, Texas: Presidential hopeful George W. Bush today explained his plans for campaign finance reform legislation, which he claims will change the face of American politics.

Speaking at the stadium of the Texas Rangers baseball team, Bush said: "I know there are those who claim I only embraced campaign finance reform in response to John McCain's arguments during the primary. In fact, as you all know, I am the reformer with results and this darn well ought to prove it."
Bush's proposals have been enthusiastically welcomed by his Republican colleagues.
The most striking change contained in the Republican plan is that congressmen and candidates will wear NASCAR style jump suits emblazoned with the names and logos of their sponsors. A Bush aide explained.
"There are two kinds of sponsorship. First there is the party sponsorship. Republican suits, for example, will bear the name of the party's most prominent sponsors, the NRA and the Christian Coalition, whose design will consist of a small patch reading "Backed by Bigots." Democrats might sport the name of the AFL/CIO. As an extension of this, a main sponsor's name may be added to the party name. We are close to lining up a deal, under which we will be known as the Philip Morris Republican Party.   
Individual members can also sign lu

crative deals with sponsors, who will gain national TV exposure in addition to the legislative favors they already enjoy from the congressmen they have purchased."

Design for the suit to be worn by Republican  Representative Bill McCollum of Florida, beneficiary of $225,000 in donations from the consumer credit industry. Mr McCollum is a prominent backer of legislation which will make it harder to file for bankruptcy.

US FEARS RESURGENCE OF RUSSIAN SHIRT AND TIE SYNDROME

Sources close to President Clinton expressed fears that the ghastly shirt and tie combinations worn by Russian Secret Service members during his recent trip to Moscow could signify a resurgence in Communist influence. An ex-CIA operative in Moscow, speaking on condition of anonymity, was particularly concerned by the reappearance of the dull blue and olive green combination, a staple of the KGB during  the worst days

At the Movies Special Report
Inside the Making of "The Patriot.

of the cold war. Reports of the dreaded khaki shirt with purple tie phenomenon remain, at present, unconfirmed.

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Issue 1 Feb 2000
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