THE NEWS THAT'S NOT

BUCHANAN SPEAKS

Pat Buchanan may be a recent convert to the Reform Party, but he is moving fast to establish his credentials. In stark contrast to his newfound ideological soulmate and Playboy luminary, the Governor of Minnesota, Buchanan is staking a claim to the female vote.
In a recent interview with Ladies Home Journal, the burly ex-Republican loony confessed that he would like to be reincarnated as a nice pale blue twin set with matching purse.
Fools' Paradise has obtained extracts from the yet to be published interview through an informant who asked to remain anonymous. We'll call her Anne, although her name is Darlene Smith and she works as a secretary in the Editorial Department.
In a particularly controversial statement, Buchanan told the reporter that organized sport is for the feeble minded.
Buchanan also took the opportunity to clarify what he called

"a scurrilous misrepresentation" of the contents of his recently published book.
"The liberal media elite has tried to paint me as an isolationist and make out that  I argue the US should never have entered World War Two. This is simply not true. If we had bombed London in the fall of 1940, that would have freed up the Luftwaffe to concentrate on the airfields and radar installations."
Mr. Buchanan is not a Nazi. Or a Republican.

JAPANESE PRONOUNCE BOB DOLE A CANDIDATE

Former Senator Bob Dole laughed off reports in several Japanese newspapers of a new election campaign, blaming a simple misunderstanding of his latest Viagra advertisements.
"Viagra will not promote anyone's election," he said.

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