The News That's Not

More News That's Not

This issue's cultural tone is raised by Stephanie Scarborough of Weatherford, Texas. Stephanie is a Pisces, a vegetarian, and wishes she could play the accordion. She also draws cartoons and edits an e-zine called "The Pleasant Unicorn."

Fools' Paradise Style with Martha Stewart

Forever I'll Love You (Perhaps)

Forever I'll love you-- I swear I will;
Not really, but the sentiment is nice.
And when I said I'd love you up until
My dying day I was just kidding. Nice
To know I have a sense of humor, eh?
That night that I can't mention I was just
A little bored, that's all, and can I say
My snoring should have told you that. I trust
You were bored too. The movie was so dull
We had to kill time somehow, don't you know.
You knew that, right? And then to fill the lull
In conversation I said that I loved you so.
What could I say, my dear? I was so bored.
Again, you should have known that when I snored.

Your Kisses Are Like Metallic Squirrel Droppings
(previously appeared in Futures and You Dancin'?)

Your kisses are like metallic squirrel droppings;
Your hair--like foot fungus!
Your lips are like two rigor-mortared snails;
And your gut--so humongous!

Your flatulence is so regular;
Your skin makes sandpaper feel supple.
I suggested your mother get glasses
When she said we made a cute couple.

Hark! Do I hear crickets chirping?
No, it's just your thighs.
Oh, please don't look at me tenderly,
You know it hurts my eyes.

You smell as sweet as a locker room
That hasn't been cleaned in a while,
And that cologne you wear on 'special nights'
Smells like the ant-killer aisle.

Did I mention your hairy ears?
You've enough to make a sweater,
And when your boss says she could kill you
I would just as soon let her.

Take My Hand

Take my hand and bite it off;
When it hurts I will say when.
In the meantime enjoy yourself
And sink your teeth right in.

Mount it on your wall, my love,
So that all your friends can see
What a fine hand your sweetheart wields
As can your family.

If it makes you squeamish, dear
To gnaw off my dainty hand,
Then hack it off with a pick ax
And all can go as planned.

And if that's more than you can take
Then I have just one demand;
Before you leave me for the night
You have to take my hand.

Questions to the Unresponsive Maiden (previously appeared in Enigma)
Parody of "Why So Pale and Wan" by Sir John Suckling

Why so pale and wan, fond lover?
Prithee, why so pale?
Dear, you haven't touched your liver
Or your jellied snails;
Prithee, why so pale?

Why so dull and mute, young sinner?
Prithee, why so mute?
My, dear, how you've gotten thinner!
Tell me, how'd you do 't?
Prithee, why so mute?

Quit, quit for shame! I cannot win;
I cannot make her!
If rigor mortis has set in
Where do I take her?
The undertaker!