THE NEWS THAT'S NOT

THINGS THAT NEVER HAPPENED. WORDS NOBODY SAID.

FOOLS'
PARADISE

OUTRAGE AS
CLINTON PARDONS HITLER
HILLARY "VERY PISSED"

The scandal around ex-President Clinton's controversial flurry of last minute pardons deepened yesterday as Congressional investigators turned up a previously overlooked document indicating  a pardon issued to a Mr. Adolf Hitler. Mr. Hitler, whose address was listed as Paraguay, was described by investigators as "a very bad man indeed."
The scandal continues to overshadow the early phase of  President George W. Bush's administration. Pressed for comment by reporters, Mr. Bush said:
"It's time to move on. I have too much to do. And I certainly don't have time to stand here and tell you what a slimeball the guy is." When asked whether he meant Clinton or Hitler, Bush asked "Clinton or who?"
A stony-faced Mrs. Clinton declined to comment as she emerged from synagogue on Saturday, though she was heard to mutter "Oy-vay."
Speculation continues to mount as to why the pardon was granted. Mr. Hitler was not known as a Democratic

Mr. Buchanan

Mr. Hitler

sympathizer. Indeed, ideologically, he seems to be more inclined towards the Republicans, and in a bizarre twist, his case was pressed strongly by former Reform Party candidate Patrick Buchanan.
Mr. Clinton seems to be unperturbed by all the fuss. Fools' Paradise Chief Scandal Correspondent, Mick Raker, caught up with a relaxed ex-President on a street corner near his new offices in Harlem:
Raker: "What's up, Mr. Prez?"
Clinton: "Hey man, I'm cool. Just chillin' with my posse here, know what I mean."
Raker: "I beg your pardon?"
Clinton: "Write me a check for a hundred grand and I'll see what I can do."

TIGER WOODS LOSES
AT MONOPLY

In what is being termed one of the greatest upsets ever in sports, Tiger Woods yesterday suffered a humiliating defeat at the hands of little known challenger Mrs. Woods. A stunned crowd ,which included Mr. Woods' father and the neighbor's children, who had popped over to borrow some sugar and stayed to watch the match, saw the Tiger tamed when he twice landed on Boardwalk, on which his mother had built a hotel just one round previously.
A tight-lipped Mr. Woods made no comment to reporters gathered outside his home last night. The last time Woods lost at anything was in a controversial 1993 game of Go Fish, which many observers thought should have been called off, after his opponent dropped his cards on the floor.

A tiger, yesterday.

At the Movies (1)
The Brigadier General takes time out from reviewing to appear in TV's "The Weakest Link."

Wood

At the Movies (2) Special Report
Inside the Making of "The Patriot.

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