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THINGS THAT NEVER HAPPENED. WORDS NOBODY SAID.

HALLMARK IN "USEFUL PRODUCT" SHOCK

Executives of gift store chain Hallmark are under pressure to resign after what sources described as a "useful item" was discovered in one of their stores in Milwaukee. The presence of the item was disclosed by disgruntled former employee Mrs. Juanita O'Malley at a press conference yesterday.

At first glance, the item in question appears unremarkable - a purple stuffed cuddly pig which blended unobtrusively with the ceramic bride-and-groom elephants sharing its shelf. Closer inspection, however, reveals a shocking secret. The pig's curly tail is in fact a corkscrew.

Brandishing one of the pigs, a spokesman for Hallmark issued a spirited defense last night at the company's own hastily called press conference.
"While the pig might at first appear

A Keepsake Ornament Tree, yesterday

to possess a superficial functionality, we are satisfied that this is not in fact the case, as will become clear from this demonstration." At this point, he attempted to insert the corkscrew into the cork of a bottle of wine. It snapped off almost immediately, severely ripping the pig's bottom.

All eyes are on Hallmark shares today amid doubts regarding the effectiveness of the company's rebuttal and calls for independent testing of the pig, .

Hallmark spokesman, Mr. Bumble-Bee Bear

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Movie Review
Brigadier General Sir Crispin Maddingley Snorrt, K.B. (retired) at the "Oscars."

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