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FOOLS' PARADISE

DISPUTE OVER YANKEE REFUGEE BOY DEEPENS

RUSSIA DECLARES WAR ON RHODE ISLAND

Moscow: Acting Russian President Vladimir Putthebootin tonight spoke to the nation after his country's surprise invasion of Rhode Island.

Raleigh, NC: Authorities continue to argue over the fate of 10 year-old Evian Gonzalez, with support apparently equally divided between those who would let him stay in North Carolina and others who say he belongs with his father in New York City. Evian was plucked by the Highway Patrol from a 1982 Toyota pick-up outside a gas station  just south of the Virginia state line, where his mother had died after inhaling a lethal dose of unaccustomed good manners. It is believed that the store attendant smiled politely, called her ma'am and handed over the right change. For Mrs. Gonzalez, a lifelong resident of Brooklyn, the shock to the system was too much..
   In a statement issued yesterday Evian's uncle insisted: "Those who suggest the boy should be sent back have never been to New York. Evian's mother died in attempt to escape a desperate city in the grip of a ruthless dictator, so that he could lead a decent life here in the South."
   A support group to argue the humanitarian case against returning Evian to New York is being formed under John Rocker, pitcher for the Atlanta Braves.

Mr. Puthebootin leaves the Russian TV center after a speech decrying Rhode Island aggression

He denied that the invasion was the result of confusion arising from misinterpretation of intelligence data regarding US political party "caucuses." Some analysts had suggested that this had led military planners to locate the United States somewhere close to Chechnya. Mr. Putthebootin assured viewers that this could not be the case as Russian experts had not even realized that Rhode Island was part of America and had selected it because it was small. In addition, Communist members of the Army General Staff had been led to anticipate support from local sympathizers known as Rhode Island Reds.

John Rocker of the Atlanta Braves, yesterday.

A Communist

   Initial reports from the front indicate setbacks for the invaders. 15,000 crack Posterior Ministry troops parachuted into a meeting of the Woonsocket First Baptist Church Ladies Group, but were forced to surrender in the parking lot behind the new church hall. In East Providence some fighting was reported when a local McDonalds refused to accept roubles. Meanwhile a suspected push to the south by a detachment of troops aboard a Greyhound Bus turned out to be a trip to Disneyland.
   Despite these initial victories, the Governor of Rhode Island was yesterday speaking of surrender. When asked if this was due to the razing of Providence to the ground by Russian rockets, he replied "No. That really needed to be done anyway  The real problem is that we've nowhere  to put all these prisoners."

Evian is a registered trademark of people who put water in bottles and sell it to you.

EUROCRATS "ASLEEP AT THEIR DESKS" SHOCK

Movie Review
Brigadier General Sir Crispin Maddingley Snorrt, K.B. (retired) reviews "Stuart Little".

Brussels: European Community spin doctors are scrambling to limit the damage from sensational  revelations that several  officials were recently found to be asleep at their desks at 5:15 in the afternoon. At a press conference today, spokesman Mr. Rainer Unsinn assured reporters that this was a highly irregular occurrence.
   "This deplorable episode is in no way typical of the Commission," he said. "99.9% of our staff are long gone by 5:15, a full fifteen minutes after the end of regulation sleeping at the desk hours. A commission of enquiry has been formed and will deliver its report in May of 2004."

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